Thinkin'
by AnimeDawn
Summary: Raven had witnessed events that held significant historical value. He had visited many places that few had seen, and he had also met various people along the way - most of whom had quite 'unique' personality traits that he hoped he would never forget. Yet there was one woman lingering in the dust of his past that he was certain to remember forever. Oneshot, beware some spoilers


Somehow, Raven had ended up at Mount Temza. He couldn't remember how he made it there. The whole trip was a blur of colors and people, and there was probably a boat involved at some point. At the moment he didn't care to remember. He didn't want to think about why he was here. He didn't want to think about what had happened in that shameful past of his. He was tired of thinking in general; of the weary processes of his mind drumming up thoughts of things long since departed and playing them over and over in his head until he couldn't think of anything else. It was gruelling, living with the same guilt every single day. He made mistakes, just like any other human being, but for some reason he was having trouble accepting them and moving on. Maybe it was because his heart was a permanent reminder of the fact that she was dead because of him. She had given her life during the Great War to save his life, and he had died shortly afterwards. He couldn't stop his mind from remembering it; that secular moment in time when he had watched her dying before him and then, as he too became aware that he was living the same nightmare, looked on helplessly as he became surrounded and inevitably overwhelmed by the tragedy of war.

People were dying all around him, innocent people fighting a war that was based upon the ambitions of one person and his fear of the unknown. Entelexeia were fighting to defend their freedom, and many died without ever experiencing it. Massive loss of life on both sides, and for what? He had been told that the Entelexeia needed to be pushed back in order to protect the people of this world, that they were a threat to the population's safety. It didn't matter how pure the intentions seemed to be. Nobody in this war deserved to die, and Raven had watched them fall on both sides with a sick feeling festering in the pit of his stomach. He had joined the Imperial Knights in order to protect the people of Terca Lumireis, and to prove to his father that he was a good person worthy of respect. This wasn't the kind of admiration he had wanted to earn – having people looking up to him for slaughtering innocent creatures without a care.

Everything that was happening at Mount Temza was morally and ecologically wrong. Raven couldn't even recognize the terrain anymore, with so many craters blasted into the earth and so many bodies seeping blood onto the grass. A once majestic, peaceful mountain had been completely levelled in a matter of moments. It was horrifying to watch, and he was forced to do just that as he held her lifeless body in his arms. Her blood coated his armor from the chest down, but he was in such a deep state of shock that he barely even registered it. So much death, so much destruction... If only there was some way to keep this from ever happening again.

He remembered the moment when he had finally managed to tear his gaze away from the tragedy unfolding before him to look down into her face. She hung limply in his arms, battered and broken; but her face held an unwavering essence of serenity. Her eyes were closed, and the slight smile creasing her lips was so peaceful. She had willingly committed to the most ultimate of sacrifices, but had done so without regret. She had died with her heart open. He closed his eyes, and the tears that flowed down his face in that fleeting moment were his last.

* * *

He didn't see what had claimed his life, but in a way it didn't really matter. Death had enveloped him swiftly and calmly, like a cloak of security, and he had welcomed it with open arms. There was the knowledge that he would meet her there, something that allowed him a small measure of peace in this difficult part of his life, the ending of it. They had been very close friends since joining the knights, although he had been secretly pining for her in a much more personal way for just as long. Maybe now, in this immortal time and space, he could tell her the truth, how he really felt about her... how he'd always felt. The blackness was deep, and he was unsure whether or not he knew the way. But after a while, a tiny fluorescent light opened up in the far distance and he instinctively went towards it. He felt weightless as he pursued this small ray of light, yet it was difficult to go forward. The darkness surrounding him, though ethereal in nature, was somehow thick. It was a marshy kind of thickness that was holding him back and making him fight harder than necessary to reach the end. He wanted more than anything to reach that light because he knew that once he made it there he would find her, but this suffocating gloom was attempting to trap him, to stop him from reaching that everlasting place. He didn't allow himself to give up hope, and he plowed onward through this strange space. He felt like he was trying to swim through a bowl of glue, but he couldn't stop now. The light was gradually growing bigger, just as he was gradually growing more and more fatigued. He looked up at the light again, and with a sudden jolt of shock realized that he could see her face staring down at him. Her warm, brown hair was cascading in a flowing waterfall over her shoulders and her eyes sparkled with delight at the sight of him. She was smiling, and he saw her stick her hand out into the void. Her arm was outstretched towards him, a silent offer that he was more than willing to take. Every part of his soul reached out to her, communicating everything he had ever wished to say and never could. She gave a single nod of acknowledgment and smiled warmly, beckoning with her other hand for him to come with her. He was so close, so very, very _close_. Just a little bit longer and he would be with her. Just a little more, and...

He had stopped moving. No matter how much he struggled, he still remained paralyzed. He watched her smile falter, and turn into a wistful frown. She never spoke, but she didn't have to. Her expression explained it all.

It wasn't his time.

He thrashed around as he tried to pursue her, willing himself to move forward, but instead the light retreated further away. He tried to scream for her, but he could not find his voice. The frown on her face turned upwards slightly into a reassuring smile as she pressed her fingers to her lips and gently blew him a kiss. He was once again helpless as the light travelled farther and farther away from him, taking her with it until finally everything faded from view. He was alone in the shadows, and it felt thicker than ever. Despair gripped him in that dim, lonely place. Raven was certain that he would never be able to forget that feeling. Tears wanted to come, but they never did. Drowning in the dusk, enduring the melancholies that came with shattered hopes was all that he was allowed in that abyss of torment. Time didn't pass, or if it did he couldn't feel it passing. There was just him and the gaping emptiness that had forced its way inside and had become a part of him.

* * *

There was a strange, filtered light shining above him. It was bright and painful, and he had to immediately close his eyes in order to stop the searing flames from burning his retinas to dust. The strong antiseptic scent of alcohol assaulted him, making him feel increasingly uneasy about the situation. He had never liked the smell of anything antiseptic when he was alive. It was a constant reminder that death was right around the corner, ready to snatch you up without a moment's notice. Hold on, wait a second. Sight and smell... those were senses that belonged to the material world and living beings.

Wasn't he dead?

He experienced a slightly panicked moment of disorientation; but eventually he realized that he was somehow trapped within the boundaries of his body again, which was strapped firmly down to a freezing cold metal table. After becoming used to the feeling of weightlessness, he now felt hulking and heavy in comparison. He doubted that he could actually manage to sit up, even if he weren't tied down. He took a moment to feel what it was like to own a body again. Fingers flexed at a whim, and everything seemed normal. But he couldn't shake the feeling that he was alien all of a sudden, different than before. Obviously he was alive. He had air in his lungs, could feel whatever touched his skin, but something vital was missing. He couldn't place what it was.

Raven risked opening his eyes, and the light shining over him was a bit more bearable this time. He blinked a couple of times, and turned his head to take in his surroundings. It looked like he was stuck in some kind of metal freezer, fitted with a thick steel door that was barred tightly shut. There was one big window in the room, coated in a layer of frost; but he could see the silhouettes of people behind it. If he strained hard enough, he could vaguely hear their voices. Two people were talking with each other excitedly. One person was mentioning something about positive results, while the other was congratulating their crew on a job well done. They had switched to hushed tones abruptly... something about the successful application of... He couldn't catch the last part. Now he was starting to become alarmed. Where was he exactly? Why was he alive and why the hell was he in a damn freezer?

The nipping cold was affecting his muscles, making him feel numb and useless. He still tried to move, attempting to break free from the straps that bound him and figure out just what was going on. The silhouettes behind the glass had departed, but he didn't care about them anymore. There had to be some way for him to break out of these things...

A dim red light in front of him caught his attention and distracted him from his thoughts of escape. It was a warm light, and Raven felt oddly drawn to it, like a moth to a flame. He stared at it as it fluctuated from dim to slightly brighter, then dim again and wondered where the source of the light was. Looking up at the lamp above him, he concluded that the odd crimson light wasn't coming from it. But that was the only light in the entire room. He craned his neck to look around, but there really was no other source of light other than the small white lamp attached to the roof. Then where...? He stared in front of him again and the light was still there, faintly glowing red in the center of his chest. His eyes narrowed slightly. The light was in the center of his chest... near his heart. With a great amount of effort, Raven lifted his head up to stare down at his chest. He regretted doing that as soon as he saw what was there. Right on cue, the bars blocking off the door to the freezer room slid open and a tall man with silver hair walked inside, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Raven's life became a blur after that. Honestly, he remembered next to nothing about the rest of his life before assuming the mantle of Raven. All that came to mind about Schwann`s past was the quirky members of the Schwann Brigade, of whom he was extremely proud of, and the clash between Schwann and Brave Vesperia. That was one of the biggest regrets he ever had in life, other than losing her – betraying the people that he had come to rely upon for support. He had grown fond of them during their travels together; deceiving his friends had hurt so much that he had actually put his life into their hands as punishment. Luckily everybody had forgiven him and had been satisfied with just beating him up for his transgressions; but there were still times when he didn`t feel like he was deserving of their forgiveness or their friendship.

Before he had met Yuri and his merry band of misfits, Raven was just a hollow shell who cared little for life and would gladly accept death as the alternative. Now, after everything he and Brave Vesperia had been through together, he had changed into a wiser man who at least tried to accept the grief of the past while choosing to live life. There were days when his resolve weakened, and he felt like accepting the guilt was impossible; but those days were few and far between, thanks to the eternal friendship of Yuri and the gang. He liked to think that she was proud of him for unearthing this on his own, giving himself a chance to grow stronger and happier in her absence. But, she was never really absent at all. He saw her everywhere he looked these days; in the beads of dew glittering in the early morning light, on the smiling faces of all his close friends that he could never live without... She was life itself, and as he went through life she lived on alongside him in her own special way.

Thanks, Casey.


End file.
